Rainy Day

The Life and Times of a Weimaraner

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Ask and You Shall Receive

This week has been very hectic. It is so funny how life can change in just an instant. I have been trying to find my place in the world for a while now with a job and other things and was at a point that I wanted to give up. I am not a huge pray-er for myself. I will ask for others but I probably felt I just didn’t deserve much so why make things awkward and ask? But the other night I was so down I just sat outside with the stars and cried and asked God for help. The next day I woke up and looked through the paper (AGAIN) and revised my resume and went cold calling and by the end of the day I had two jobs working with animals which is what I love. I was told I had a very impressive resume. I never put too much focus on that because I didn’t want people to think I was tooting my own horn and I have never viewed what I have done in my life as anything remarkable. I have dabbled in many things and took advantage of opportunities because I think at times I was actually pretty lucky. I am wondering if my resume is the reason I got hired or something else. If it was resume than I have not utilized this near enough!! But I am thinking it is something so much bigger than me.

The other thing that has stayed on my mind is my Rosie. She really needs exercise and some lessons on Manners Can Be Fun. In order to get the use of my neighbors round pen would require me to ask for help. Again…I am not good at doing that. I don’t want my neighbor to see me coming and roll his eyes in frustration or feel I am using him or his resources but I am in desperation here, I have tried everything else and I would only use his round pen when he was at work and not using it himself BUT everyday I would chicken out about asking. Finally I prayed once again. 

A few of her new friends...they seemed to have recovered from her early morning visit

A few of her new friends…they seemed to have recovered from her early morning visit

Yesterday morning I woke up to a world of white. There was 6-8 inches on the ground. It was beautiful but it certainly indicated that winter was definitely here. So I bundled up and went out to feed Rosie. When I got out to her pen it was empty. SHE WAS GONE!!!!! My heart stopped and I held my breath as my brain tried to compute what the ramifications were. When my breathing and my heart started once again I could not help the tears that began rolling down my face. I knew my neighbor would be out to feed his horses about then so I took a chance and knocked on his door. His daughter answered and I asked “Have you seen my horse?” Her face broke out in a wide grin and she yelled “DAD!!…The lady is here for her horse!!” He walked around the corner of his hall with a wide grin on his face. Apparently at three in the morning Rosie decided she would rather watch the snow fall with some company so she opened her gate and went visiting the handsome boys next door. He heard a ruckus in the middle of the night and went out and saw all these tracks so he followed them around back and bumped into Rosie. He put her in the round pen and went to bed waiting for the inevitable hysterical knock on the door in the morning. He was so nice about it and helped me get her home. I took that opportunity to ask if I could use his round pen and he was more than willing to let me use it. So today we are going to start getting some exercise and we are going to learn how to be a horse and not a princess that just does what she wants to all day long.

Rosie safely back in her pen pouting as she looks over at her new horse friends.

Rosie safely back in her pen pouting as she looks over at her new horse friends.

It is just funny how just by asking in a simple prayer all of my obstacles were removed and I was able to resolve so many of my problems.

I have to keep reminding myself that it is okay to ask for help from a variety of sources and to recognize I don’t have to solve all the world’s problems or even my own all by myself.





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Road Trip

I know it has been quite awhile since I have been able to write. Things here on the island is not what I would call paradise but we are managing. Then we had to go to Moab to winterize our house. I spent three wonderful days with Eileen and Jessie and I loved it. Here’s the thing….I have really been struggling with nasty depression and it was getting to the point that I didn’t want to get out of bed. I knew deep down that I missed Moab but I refused to believe it. I left Catalina when I was 7 and I have been trying to get back to her ever since (and I am 45) so why pray tell am I unhappy. There are many reasons that I will share with you guys later. When we pulled up in the driveway to our home I knew that I was going to come home….I love Catalina more than anywhere else in the world but there are many many problems with living here that I never saw coming. I also am so burnt out caring for my parents. First my dad and mom last year until my dad passed away then I moved mom into my home in Moab while we waited to move to Catalina. I haven’t had a break from care giving and being on call day and night for 2 years. When I saw my pretty home that Ron and I worked so hard at and did completely on our own I just wanted to cry…in fact I think I did a little. Then hanging out with Eileen was wonderful then I got to hang with Jessie at my moms old place in Blanding for two days. I made up my mind after those three glorious days that I didn’t want to be the only care giver in my mothers life and I wanted to move back to Moab. Ron and I talked along time about it and we both agreed it would be the best for everyone….but I still had to break the news to my mother and I felt so bad at having this conversation with her.
I finally broached the topic today and it went so well. She admits she misses home and she knows that Ron and I are not happy here. I told her she could either live in a mother in law cottage that we build on our property or a mother in law cottage on her old home in Blanding. She seemed relieved and frankly Ron and I let out a long breath as if we had been holding it this whole time.
Don’t get me wrong….the realization that Catalina was not the paradise I knew as a child has nearly broken me but I promise myself I will visit her often and who knows….maybe I can come back one day. But in the meantime I cannot wait to see the red rock and deep canyons and arches of the beautiful high desert of the four corners area.
We drove up the Salt Lake City to spend time with Ron’s children and had a great time until I was playing stick with Rainy. She ran to catch it and bent down into the tall grass and the next thing I know she is screaming bloody murder and running to the hotel. I got her  up in the room and we could see two big gashes at the back of her throat. We were on our way to Santa Barbara to see my uncle and once he saw her he gave me the number to his vet. She was drooling non stop in her left side and the whole left side was very very swollen. I took her in the next morning to the vet and they thought it was a ruptured salivary gland and the only way to fix it was to remove it surgically. BUT….only two surgeons in Santa Barbara were capable to do the surgery and each one worked at a 24/7 emergency hospital which could only mean one thing (cha-ching).
The other BUT was there would be no surgeon in until Monday and this was Saturday. We were suppose to get back on the boat to go home but we had no choice to stay because there was no surgeon that could do it on Catalina.
So Monday they started to use a small camera that would give the doctor a better idea of what was going on. Her tongue was very bruised and scraped under her tongue, She has a huge laceration down her throat right under her tonsil and there were at least three more gashes but luckily no surgery.
Of course she was really struggling with the drugs and anesthesia so we had to lower the lift to the van for my moms wheel chair so we just used it for Rainy. Ron opted to stay in the hotel with Rainy because she was seriously messed up. She got up and just stared at herself in the mirror and noises spooked her to death and she would whimper and whimper.  Meanwhile I ran over to Eric to spend time with him and had a lot of fun. but we had to skip dinner due to Rainy.
The next day she was a little better so we felt it was safe to head home. We stopped by to have coffee and breakfast with Lena and Eric and then we were on our way. Unfortunately by the time we go to the boat the boat was just leaving and the next boat would be about 3 hours so we had to hang out at the Catalina Island Express terminal. Finally we got on the boat….the water was quite choppy and eerie but I had no problem falling asleep.  When we arrived there was a  nice taxi driver that allowed Rainy to ride with us otherwise I would’ve had to walk home and I was already on my reserve tank.
Mom was so happy I was home again and she has been very pleasant to be with. I didn’t have the strength to tellher I could no longer be her full time caretaker….that we would have to hire someone and that she could either build a mother in laws cottage on the Blanding property with Jessie and Alaska there I wouldn’t have to worry. Her other option is that I build her a small cottage on our property in Moab. At this point she is leaning towards Blanding but we shall see.
This trip was bittersweet for me. On one hand I feel so much better about my future and I can go to work and make my own money and save as much as I can. Jessie is elated I am coming home and so is Eileen and the Barkery girls….my adorable twisted sisters.
Thats about all for now. I many details and stories but its getting late.

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Friend Is a Four Letter Word?

I just got back from Physical Therapy. It is my second time going and I felt so alive walking home. I have been dealing with a lot physically for a while now and Dan the Man seems to be onto something. So I walked home today straight up and up again then down. I saw a doe and her fawn, I saw flowers and blue sky. I waved at the bus drivers and the construction crews and I felt much better than when I had walked in this morning. I put on my iPod and turned on my music making my walk a lovely event. I don’t have to think about my heavy breathing or my thumping heart as I struggle to right my body and right my mind and lose weight. A song by the band Cake came on and it made me think about a post I needed to write on in my blog.

Just yesterday I was asking Ron about maintaining friendships. I have a hard time doing that. I suppose I am really not a very good friend. I allow my life to override my friendships and to be honest an afternoon with a friend is about the most exhausting thing I can do. Small talk is difficult for me and not being able to take rare and precious time that I have for my personal projects or something oriented more around me I have to spend it with someone when really I need that time to regroup. I call it “Me” time and it is essential for me to recharge and fortify myself for my day, to prepare me for bed (I am a chronic insomniac) and a break in the middle of the day.
I have a lot of friends you could say but not really. Most friendships are short lived or just acquaintances. Ron said he too knew many people and was friendly with all but he too had his own projects and his children and wife were really the only deep friendships he has forged and maintained. He stated he thought some people forged great friendships because they put a lot of work into them. He doesn’t and I am surprised to say I don’t either. There is also the saying that simply put if you manage to have one good friend in a lifetime you are doing pretty good. 
So as I was walking I pondered why I can’t seem to put the work into friendships especially people that mean so much to me. And the Cake song came on

Friend Is a Four Letter Word

To me, coming from you, friend is a four letter word
End is the only part of the word that I heard
Call me morbid or absurd, but to me,coming from you
Friend is a four letter word

To me, coming form you, friend is a four letter word
End is the only part of the word that I heard
Call me morbid or absurd, but to me, coming form you
Friend is a four letter word

When I go fishing for the words that I am wishing you would say to me
I’m really only praying that the words you’ll soon be saying
Might betray the way you feel about me

But to me coming from you, friend is a four letter word.
This struck a cord with me and I began to think of why. First I am an only child. I had deep deep bonds with my grandfather, my grandmother and my uncle. I call them My Holy Trinity. At seven my mother remarried the man I always thought was my father and we moved to Greece. My father was such a loner trying to bond with him was near to impossible. I did that as I cared for him while he succumbed to his disease and died last October.
Also while I was in Greece I had to learn the hard way that the friendships I would make there were quick and intense but very short lived. The first few years had me crying every summer as I said goodbye to a good friend I knew I would never see again. Then I learned to pull away right before they left so I could cope with my loss a little better. Soon it was common to make a friend quick and be inseparable until a month before they left in which they no longer existed for me. I was so hurtful to so many people but I had to do it to cope. 
I think it’s because of the above two reasons I no longer put as much effort into my friendships and even always kept myself a bit closed off and distant because that seem to be so much safer to me. I also made stupid friendships where I picked people that just used me. They were my very “best friends” as long as I bought them what they wanted, watched their kids or pets and did things that just sucked the very life out of me….giving myself yet another reason to never get too close. 
It also occurred to me that I could never be a very good friend because much like love…you cannot really love anyone until you love yourself and forging good friendships starts with befriending yourself. I am not a very good to friend to myself. I am extremely self destructive and deal with a big dose of self loathing. These are some things I need to work on because its slowly killing me mentally and physically. I learned about the physical part today. My resting heart rate is approximately 100 and I cannot move because my body is attacking itself because my mind is telling it to do so.
So I am learning yet another piece to myself and another lesson I must take to heart.
In the meantime I dedicate this post to my friends Trudy and Eileen…the only two friends I have had in my adult life that have never asked for anything from me but my friendship and I have never appreciated the gift they are to me. I promise I will TRY to work on doing better because I really do love you guys.

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I was reflecting today about some of my short comings….they are too numerous to list at the moment but that’s what this blog is about…learning, growing and understanding. One such short coming I have that drives me and everyone else crazy is I have a tendency to interrupt and/or finish other peoples sentences. I feel like I am a hummingbird for some reason…..the world and those in it around me just move too slow or I am just moving too fast. I need to stop and slow down. I think one reason I have this particular habit is my mother will take forever to finish a thought (sorry mom). I believe she too has too many thoughts running around in her head so she has to pause to sort out the one she is trying to convey. For people like me that have one setting and that is turbo….waiting for her to finish is a painful process that I usually try to hurry along by interrupting or finishing her thought. Unfortunately this has carried over to everyone. My daughter Jessie would get so frustrated with me because I was continuously trying to finish her thought but I was clueless as to what she was trying to say and now this poor girl is a motor mouth….when she gets nervous she talks so fast only I can understand her.

I was reading to my mother today from a book called Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff….and it’s all small stuff.
In chapter seven, titled “Don’t interrupt Others or Finish Their Sentences” Richard Carlson talks about this very problem I have combated for years. I found it funny and thought I would share what I think should be today’s lesson for myself.
“It wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized how often I interrupted others and/or finished their sentences. Shortly thereafter, I also realized how destructive this habit was, not only to the respect and love I received from others but also for the tremendous amount of energy it takes to try to be in two heads at once! Think about it for a moment. When you hurry someone along, interrupt someone, or finish his or her sentence, you have to keep track not only of your own thoughts but of those of the person you are interrupting as well. This tendency (which, by the way, is extremely common in busy people), encourages both parties to speed up their speech and their thinking. This, in turn, makes both people nervous, irritable, and annoyed. It’s downright exhausting. It’s also the cause of many arguments, because if there’s one thing almost everyone resents, it’s someone who doesn’t listen to what they are saying. And how can you really listen to what someone is saying when you are speaking for that person?
Once you begin noticing yourself interrupting others, you’ll see that this insidious tendency is nothing more than an innocent habit that has become invisible to you. This is good news because it means that all you really have to do is to begin catching yourself when you forget. Remind yourself (before a conversation begins, if possible) to be patient and wait. Tell yourself to allow the other person to finish speaking before you take your turn. You’ll notice, right away, how much the interactions with the people in your life improve as a direct result of this simple act. The people you communicate with will feel much more relaxed around you when they feel heard and listened to. You’ll also notice how much more relaxed you’ll  feel when you stop interrupting others. Your heart and pulse rates will slow down, and you’ll enjoy your conversations rather than rush through them. This is an easy way to become a more relaxed, loving person.”

I laughed when I read this because its as if it was written just to me….as one who is always looking around for signs from the universe I took this to be one. But it was a relief to know I am not the only one who has this issue. So as part of finding my inner peace and as part of my growth and my journey I am going to pause and listen. I can definitely see how life would be much more relaxed and pleasant. 
This also ties into what my sweet dog teacher Rainy has been trying to teach me….patience, patience, patience. If you listen the rest of the story or comment will come.
Have a great day pausing and taking in the stillness around you