Rainy Day

The Life and Times of a Weimaraner

Friend Is a Four Letter Word?

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I just got back from Physical Therapy. It is my second time going and I felt so alive walking home. I have been dealing with a lot physically for a while now and Dan the Man seems to be onto something. So I walked home today straight up and up again then down. I saw a doe and her fawn, I saw flowers and blue sky. I waved at the bus drivers and the construction crews and I felt much better than when I had walked in this morning. I put on my iPod and turned on my music making my walk a lovely event. I don’t have to think about my heavy breathing or my thumping heart as I struggle to right my body and right my mind and lose weight. A song by the band Cake came on and it made me think about a post I needed to write on in my blog.

Just yesterday I was asking Ron about maintaining friendships. I have a hard time doing that. I suppose I am really not a very good friend. I allow my life to override my friendships and to be honest an afternoon with a friend is about the most exhausting thing I can do. Small talk is difficult for me and not being able to take rare and precious time that I have for my personal projects or something oriented more around me I have to spend it with someone when really I need that time to regroup. I call it “Me” time and it is essential for me to recharge and fortify myself for my day, to prepare me for bed (I am a chronic insomniac) and a break in the middle of the day.
I have a lot of friends you could say but not really. Most friendships are short lived or just acquaintances. Ron said he too knew many people and was friendly with all but he too had his own projects and his children and wife were really the only deep friendships he has forged and maintained. He stated he thought some people forged great friendships because they put a lot of work into them. He doesn’t and I am surprised to say I don’t either. There is also the saying that simply put if you manage to have one good friend in a lifetime you are doing pretty good. 
So as I was walking I pondered why I can’t seem to put the work into friendships especially people that mean so much to me. And the Cake song came on

Friend Is a Four Letter Word

To me, coming from you, friend is a four letter word
End is the only part of the word that I heard
Call me morbid or absurd, but to me,coming from you
Friend is a four letter word

To me, coming form you, friend is a four letter word
End is the only part of the word that I heard
Call me morbid or absurd, but to me, coming form you
Friend is a four letter word

When I go fishing for the words that I am wishing you would say to me
I’m really only praying that the words you’ll soon be saying
Might betray the way you feel about me

But to me coming from you, friend is a four letter word.
This struck a cord with me and I began to think of why. First I am an only child. I had deep deep bonds with my grandfather, my grandmother and my uncle. I call them My Holy Trinity. At seven my mother remarried the man I always thought was my father and we moved to Greece. My father was such a loner trying to bond with him was near to impossible. I did that as I cared for him while he succumbed to his disease and died last October.
Also while I was in Greece I had to learn the hard way that the friendships I would make there were quick and intense but very short lived. The first few years had me crying every summer as I said goodbye to a good friend I knew I would never see again. Then I learned to pull away right before they left so I could cope with my loss a little better. Soon it was common to make a friend quick and be inseparable until a month before they left in which they no longer existed for me. I was so hurtful to so many people but I had to do it to cope. 
I think it’s because of the above two reasons I no longer put as much effort into my friendships and even always kept myself a bit closed off and distant because that seem to be so much safer to me. I also made stupid friendships where I picked people that just used me. They were my very “best friends” as long as I bought them what they wanted, watched their kids or pets and did things that just sucked the very life out of me….giving myself yet another reason to never get too close. 
It also occurred to me that I could never be a very good friend because much like love…you cannot really love anyone until you love yourself and forging good friendships starts with befriending yourself. I am not a very good to friend to myself. I am extremely self destructive and deal with a big dose of self loathing. These are some things I need to work on because its slowly killing me mentally and physically. I learned about the physical part today. My resting heart rate is approximately 100 and I cannot move because my body is attacking itself because my mind is telling it to do so.
So I am learning yet another piece to myself and another lesson I must take to heart.
In the meantime I dedicate this post to my friends Trudy and Eileen…the only two friends I have had in my adult life that have never asked for anything from me but my friendship and I have never appreciated the gift they are to me. I promise I will TRY to work on doing better because I really do love you guys.

Author: sunnyday1266

My name is Rev. Lisa "sunny" Day. I became an Ordained Minister of Walking Prayer through the teachings of The Center for Sacred Studies and The Thirteen Indigenous Grandmothers. This blog is my simple writing of my spiritual journey and my practices. I hope I am never done learning all that the universe has to teach me. As I gather wisdom I merely share them with you. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. Walk in Beauty Sunny

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